THE FARTING CONTEST
By
Conn Hutzell
In a farting contest the one who craps his pants is the winner. There are no continuances, take backs or do over’s…it’s finished. And like with any other contest the winner stands alone. Only, if you win a farting contest this way (the winner by crapping) not only will you stand alone, you will stand alone at a great distance from everyone else….that is unless you’re in a car.
The boys were having one such olfactory offensive contest one day when we were on our way back from the beach. Nothing like swallowing half a lake of water to get the ole’ gastro-intestinal functions pumping. Anyway, they were in the backseat letting go with Rippers, Squeakers, Lone Rangers and the ever-popular Boomers. Like any great contest, faces were turning red and the grunts could be heard outside the car…with the windows rolled up. I was grateful though; that we were on a main road so the windows could be kept rolled down to eliminate the aftermath of the festivities in the backseat. At one point I had the car up to 80 just trying to keep the air flowing enough so Angela and I wouldn’t pass out from the fumes.
But, unlike other contests, the noise and cheers are during the contest only. In this competition, the winner is not cheered but rather, ostracized by his fellow competitors and silence thus ensues. This is how we knew the competition had ended. All we heard in the front seat was the wind rushing by and all we could smell were the scents of the pines and the roadside diners…..for about 2 minutes. You see, after a fart becomes real, it takes a minute or two for the reality to sink in, or rather to squish out.
“What is that smell” Angela asks me. “I think one of the boy’s crapped his pants” I respond. “Did one of you crap your pants?” Angela inquires to the back seat…complete silence.
WE HAVE A WINNER! Faces were no longer red but kind of a sheet white color. Blake expounded his defeat “I didn’t do it!” Andrew, even in victory, softly speaks: ”I think I did”. “Well did you or didn’t you?” (Angela by this time is almost completely turned around) “Yes…but I didn’t mean to!”. He sat there silently when he should have been screaming…BUT I WON…I PAID THE ULTIMATE TO SUCCEED…I CAME, I SAW, I CRAPPED MY PANTS!! I have to admit it myself, not many kids have that kind of desire and drive. Needless to say, we all shared in Drew’s victory…all the way home! The windows stayed down and I picked it up to 85 just to stay ahead of the green fog that was permeating the car.
The silence continued until we arrived home. As soon as the car came to a stop, three doors flew open and the exodus from the car was faster than a dog with an infection scooting across the living room carpet. Drew remained seated for a few seconds, wallowing in his victory (so to speak). As he exited the car he proudly walked, bow legged, up the steps to the front door only to be denied entry. Angela stripped him not only of his trophy but also his swimsuit and dignity right there on the front porch. Till the day I die I will never forget his victory walk to the shower displaying his triumph….all the way up his back.
Conn Hutzell Conn has written several short stories and articles, is a self taught Internet and computer geek, owner of www.allthatshopping.com Internet Mall and has been designing sites since 1997.
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