Charcoal Underpants
I'm not sure whether it was the three-bean salad that formed part of yesterday's lunch, or maybe the banana protein shake consumed after the gym session. I'm sure the visit to the curry house last night didn't help. Perhaps it was a combination of the three - I'm not sure - but I just about farted my arse off last night. By strange coincidence I was reading today about special underwear that you can now buy to protect innocent bystanders from the effects of your anus gas.
Apparently a company called Under-Tec makes a range of airtight underwear with a replaceable carbon filter positioned behind your arsehole to eliminate any smell. An odd product, it seems to me - are there really large numbers of potential customers with such frequent, uncontrolled and poisonous eruptions of arse gas that they would pay $25 for a pair of odor-control skivvies? The article mentions several medical conditions that could cause excessive and embarrassing flatulence; I am prepared to accept that some people might be ashamed of their anal emissions but I wonder how much benefit these pants will really provide.
Let's face it, a fart is largely about sound - the smell usually only manifests itself if you're in an enclosed space and have no opportunity to blame it on someone else (e.g. your office just before the pretty new graduate trainee girl walks in to ask you something). Most people though, on hearing a fart, will instinctively assume it will smell, and will tend to move away stealthily (or, in some cases, hastily). If you happen to be wearing carbon filter pants and you rip one off, people's reaction is going to be about the same. (Unless you carry a sign saying "I'm wearing odor control pants" but that rather defeats the object of avoiding embarrassment.)
Anyway, in the right company a well delivered fart is practically considered conversation. I have a cousin-in-law (if that's what you call it) who could practically do impersonations with his arse. This guy (let's call him Bill, because that's his real name) could light his farts as well. I remember one Christmas, after too much rich food, engaging in a fart-lighting competition with him. He won, with a six-inch blue flame, but I considered myself lucky just to escape without serious burns to the scrotum.
So if you have a bowel disorder I don't think carbon filter underwear is a real solution to the problem of unwanted rectal explosions. People aren't going to hang around you long enough to discover whether you smell or not. Don't worry though - with a bit of work on your technique you could be the toast of the office Christmas party with your fart-lighting display. See if you can get that new graduate trainee to be your match holder...
Copyright 2007 Edward Bison
About Mr. Bison
In case you're wondering, I'm an intelligent, unsophisticated male with a good job and the usual array of unhealthy appetites.
I spend significant amounts of my waking hours resisting the temptation to tell people what I really think. I can barely tell red wine from white, so don't bother explaining how the bouquet contains hints of blackberry and cat urine.
I believe that there is something very wrong with any man who doesn't like occasional porn.
I travel a lot and have learned that there are more assholes per square foot in airports than almost any other place on earth (exceptions include the studio where they film Oprah).
I grew up in England but I now live in the States and have no intention of going back, thank you very much.
If you look in my bathroom you'll find toothpaste and shaving cream. No skin lotions, unguents, mousses or any of that crap, which is as it should be.
I believe daytime TV is for the utterly brain-dead, having a good lawn does not mark you out as a superior human being and taking Lipitor doesn't mean you can make that seventh trip through the buffet line, lardboy. I know that cell phone company employees would sooner eat their own young than make customers happy.
I hate standing in line and game shows. I think hell would involve standing in line to watch a game show, listening to hip-hop and probably eating rice pudding.
I like rock music, American football, sushi, lifting weights, naked women, flying business class, single malt Scotch, Indian food, English breakfasts, quiet hotel rooms, having a laugh, snakes at the zoo, Quadrophenia, cream soda and cactus plants.
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