Can Internet Counseling Help Save Your Relationship?
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There are few experiences better than being in a good relationship. Unfortunately, when problems develop, there are few experiences worse than being in a bad one.But there are always warning signs: a couple generally know when there is a problem, though they may do their best to avoid confronting it. The prospect of the immediate pain involved in confronting relationship difficulties often seems to be greater than the pleasure that you might get in the future if the relationship was working well.So the first step in sorting out your relationship is admitting there is a problem, and then thinking what you might do about it. If there's no way you can sort it out yourself, then allowing a counselor to intervene may be the only way to save your relationship.Of course, counseling is not a cure-all, but a dispassionate third person can often help couples to find a way forward. The problem is that many people (and men in particular) are reluctant to seek the help of a counselor. One solution might be to turn to an internet service, where the stress of working through problems can be lower. Some websites, like ours, even offer counseling free of charge (our site is listed in the resource box with this article).Importantly, internet counseling is subject to the same codes of ethics and professional standards that office-based counselling abides by. The counsellor should treat the clients with respect and professionalism at all times, and make it clear what is on offer at the start of any intervention.Relationships are complex, and as we all know, they sometimes go wrong. Here are some of the main reasons why things break down.High on the list must be unfaithfulness. When one partner, or even both, are having an affair, the atmosphere is not likely to be happy. Even when one of the partners goes to extreme lengths to cover up what he or she is doing, the other partner will sense some change in their attitude. Tension will be high: recrimination, blame and resentment will almost certainly dominate the exchanges between the two partners. Affairs do not usually have a happy ending - often the original relationship is the casualty. Certainly if a couple decide they want to stay stay together, they are going to need professional help to understand why one partner felt the need to seek sexual or emotional support outside their main relationship. Can this be done over the internet? Possibly, at least as a first step. Lack of commitment is another frequent cause of relationship problems. One partner may be putting much more time, effort, money and energy into the relationship than the other. Sooner or later this will cause a problem: for example, if one person wants to commit to children or even marriage, but the other does not.Emotions are complex, but the way we communicate them is often inadequate to really express how we're feeling. So poor communication - or even no communication at all - is a primary cause of relationship difficulties. In one sense, of course, poor communication is at the root of all problems: if partners could talk freely about what was going on for them, with no fear of their partner's reaction, then resentments and frustration would probably not build up in the first place. Even when one partner justifies their lack of communication on the basis of not wanting to offend, or "being considerate", the process they're embarking on is one that will end in miscommunication, frustration, lack of understanding and resentment. Simply talking and listening, without judgement or reaction, until your partner has adequately expressed him or herself, is one of the bedrocks of a great relationship.If having an affair is the most likely cause of a relationship breaking up, then sex must be one of the most common causes of dissatisfaction. Or, rather, bad sex or the lack of sex, in one partner's view. Rarely do two people find themselves with exactly the same viewpoint on sex as the years go by. Sex problems can be caused by high stress, which may reduce you or your partner's sex drive; physical changes like lack of lubrication or erectile problems; boredom, if a couple never vary their sexual routine; age-related changes like the menopause in both men and women; and deeper questions about sexuality or sexual orientation. We have counselled many men and women on sexual issues, both within and outside a relationship. I'd say that sex is one area where internet counselling may be even better than face to face work, because it avoids the problems of embarrassment and fear that can confront someone when they talk about these incredibly personal issues face to face.Another common cause of relationship problems is money - in fact, it's perhaps the most common thing about which couples argue. Money has real value and symbolic value for all of us, and what we see in the earning and spending power of money is not likely match our partner's view of it. Nowadays, of course, money is even more important than it was in past generations, in the sense that more of us live on the thin line between solvency and financial problems. Again, getting advice on how to manage money within your relationship can be a valuable step to ensuring harmony in your home.In the end, no matter what the cause of your relationship difficulties, solving them comes down to this: are you willing to work at saving the relationship? Is it good enough and valuable enough for you to stay there? And if so, what will you do to make this happen? Getting some internet based counseling is a great first step that will help you see the issues more clearly and let you decide on your next steps.
The author runs a free on line counselling service together with his colleagues Anna and Luke at <a href="http://www.sex-and-relationships.com">Sex-and-Relationships</a>.
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