By Roy Klein with comments from Dr. Block Empathy – the ability to feel what your partner feels and then act accordingly – may be the most important characteristic a person can bring to a marriage or other relationship. And when it comes to empathy, there are two kinds of people – those who have it (“Us”) and those who don’t (“Them”). The problem is that we all think we’re Us; none of us thinks we’re Them. That’s because Them have a blind spot. Them see themselves as victims and martyrs. Them preach that everyone should take responsibility for their actions and be accountable for their behavior while Them blame everyone else for Them’s problems. Them actually think that Them are Us and Us are Them. How dare Them! So, how do Us tell the difference between Us and Them? Here’s a hypothetical story that may help, starring a fictional couple who I’ve named Jack and Jill to protect their true identities. Read it and let us know what you think. The Accident Jack and Jill have been married for many years. Now that their kids are grown, they’re in the process of moving from their long-time home to a smaller condo. Because their garage is filled with boxes, Jill can’t park her car there, so it’s in the driveway. And, because of the garbage at the curb, Jack can’t park in his usual spot to the right of the driveway. Instead, he moves his car to the left of the driveway. Jill watches as Jack parks his car in the new designated spot. The following morning, Jack (a notoriously heavy sleeper), is partially aroused by the unmistakably agitated voice of his wife: “I backed into your car and put a dent in it, okay? I’m late for work, okay? Goodbye.” Too drowsy to process this information, Jack begins to drift back to sleep when – a moment later – the phone rings. It’s Jill, of course, who now sounds even more agitated. “And, yes, my car was dented, too, okay? I’m on my way to work, okay? Okay?” Jack is now about 30% awake, just enough to sense that Jill is somehow trying to blame him for this mess, but not sure what to say to calm down his wife. “Okay,” he finally replies. “I don’t know what else you want me to say.” Jill’s response is immediate and chilling: “That’s what you have to say? You’re some piece of work!” Then she angrily hangs up on her befuddled husband. The Apology When he arrives at work, Jack – still wondering why Jill seemed so angry at him – decides to call her and ask. “I’m not angry,” she angrily explains. I’m just really hurt that you care about me so little that you didn’t even ask me whether I was hurt,” she sniffles tearfully. “Were you hurt?” Jack asks. “Of course not,” Jill replies, now impatient and incredulous. “It was just a fender-bender.” Still confused, Jack explains how he was half asleep, how Jill seemed to be fine and how he figured there was nothing to worry about. “Then the appropriate thing to say was ‘Don’t worry.’ Why didn’t you tell me that instead of saying that you didn’t know what to say?” Now on the defensive, Jack again reminds Jill that he had been half asleep at the time. “Plus,” he explains, “You sounded so angry with me.” “You’re a moron,” Jill snaps at him. “Well, I guess we both could have handled the situation better,” concludes Jack. “I apologize for not acting more appropriately.” “I didn’t act inappropriately,” Jill snarls defiantly. “So I have nothing to apologize for.” Then she hangs up on her befuddled husband. The Repercussions After a three-day cooling off period, Jill informs Jack that it will be his job to arrange to have each car repaired. “While each car is in the shop,” she adds, you’ll just have to wake up early every morning so I can drive you to work. I obviously need the car during the day so I have someplace to sit during my lunch break.” Jack ponders the prospect of being stranded in his office all day – for days on end – without a car, and decides to ask Jill about the collision. “How in the world did you manage to slam into my car?” “I didn’t know it was there,” Jill claims. “But you watched me park it there the night before,” Jack points out. “You parked it too close to the driveway,” offers Jill. “It was at least ten feet away,” Jack replies. “I couldn’t see it because it blended into the mist” (it was a sunny morning, and Jack’s car is bright blue). “My windows were fogged up” (ever hear of a defroster?). It just went on and on and on. Okay, you get the picture. Now, do any of you out there think Jill is one of Us? If so, you’re obviously one of Them. Although Jill herself eventually did start to come around a little. Well, sort of. Her final explanation of the collision was this: “It might have been in my blind spot.” In more ways than one, Jill, in more ways than one. << Dr. Block Comments on Jack’s Adventures with Jill In keeping with the tone of this Jack and Jill tale, it seems to me that someone should be on medication. That is, if there were a medication that either cures “ball-buster syndrome” (BS), or immunizes the individual on the receiving end of the dreaded BS. I can think of drugs that will do the job on either end, for Jack or Jill, but that takes us back to the ‘60’s, the days of lighting up and tuning out. In the meantime, and on a more serious note, let’s leave it at this: Jill is a lady with no center. There’s an empty space where her sense of self should be. She sounds classically narcissistic: “It’s always about me. I am always the victim being mistreated by a villain.” The Future of Jack and Jill What to do about the relationship? Couple therapy has a poor prognosis when one partner in a relationship has a serious personality disorder. There are two likely choices—live with it and suffer, or leave. Suffering is optional, but even for the most laid back, selfless individual, the narcissistic is going to be a major test. Leaving is going to be tough since the narcissist is likely to feel like a victim no matter what concessions are made. Going back to the ‘60’s is looking better… << Okay readers, now it's your turn: We want your opinions. What should Jack do? What should Jill do? Should they stay in the marriage and suffer or get out? What would you do?
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