Codependents sometimes seem almost misplaced. You seem to have a hard time relating to whom you truly are and for that reason you have a hard time setting boundaries. You have a hard time saying no to people and you let people cross the line of what should be your boundaries and hurt you.
You tend to lose your sanity, your self-respect and yourself within relationships. It is not wrong to give to others. It is when others take more than you are willing or able to give them that you must learn to establish limits and restrictions on certain conduct.
Every area of healing within codependency starts with awareness. Acknowledge that people are not acting in a way that is acceptable to you. You need to own your feelings and learn how to be emotionally honest with yourself. Only when you are able to be honest with yourself, will others start to react to you in a way that reflects how they view your truth.
You need to begin by defining your territory, your space. You need to have the strength to take care of yourself and to protect yourself. You must have respect for both yourself as well as others. You can learn to make appropriate choices and learn what is reasonable to give in a relationship.
First, you must realize that whenever you expect someone to behave a certain way, you are giving your power away. You are handing it over to that person. You are reacting to old wounds and old experiences. You have built a defense system and built walls around you. You have to realize that you cannot control others. You are the only one you have any power over. How you react to situations is your choice. No one can make you feel a certain way. It is how you choose to react that is the key.
You may have expectations of how people should act or behave. That usually just gives you disappointment. You have no power over how or who you want people to be. The best you can do is plant seeds around them and hope those seeds grow. You must learn to trust yourself and change the patterns of your own behavior. Only then will it have an effect on others.
Sometimes that line between you and others becomes blurred. If you feel abused, hurt or used the boundaries surrounding you might not be as established as they should be. There can be a fine line pertaining to boundaries. If they are too weak, you can get lost in another’s world. If they are too thick, you may not have any relationships because they will push people away. If they are non-existent, that will cause you fear and people will take what they can from you.
Ask for what you need. Don’t be afraid you’ll push someone away. If they respect you, as they should, they will accept what you are asking of them. If not, then you shouldn’t want to be around a person that doesn’t respect you as a person. Learn to communicate your feelings to others. Communicate without placing blame or shame upon others or yourself. Let the other person know that if they do not respect the boundary you are asking for, there will be consequences. Don’t express a boundary that you are either not going to follow up on, or one that you are just not ready for yet.
Setting the boundary is not a threat nor is it an attempt to control the other person. Once you set the boundary, you must let go of the outcome. It is then the other person’s responsibility to follow through. You must accept the condition that unfolds. You can negotiate the situation once you set the boundary, though. Simply present what you are willing to do and what you expect from the other person and take it from there.
Be a friend to yourself. Have compassion for your feelings and for your space. Be honest with yourself about how you feel and what you need. You must trust ourselves and let go of old feelings that do not serve any purpose and tell you that you are unworthy. Once you begin to love yourself and take care of yourself showing that through your words and your actions, people will take notice.
© 2007 Lori Klauser
Visit Lori at: http://loriklauser.com. Receive her free e-book Traveling the Road of Codependency when you sign up for her newsletter. She takes codependency one-step at a time; delivering concepts that help you master healing.
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