Self-confidence is a point of view that is garnered through experiences. When a person experiences success, that person will tend to expect to be successful. And that expectation will cause a feeling of confidence.
For example: A man wants to be an extreme fighter, so he gets a manager and takes lessons. His manager will not put him into a bout until he has generated proficient skills. And even then, the manager will only put him up against an adversary that he knows his fighter can overpower. When his fighter beats the contender, he is successful, and starts to gain confidence in his fighting skills.
With each contest, the manager puts his contestant up against an adversary who is only a little bit better of a contender then the last, but not good enough to beat his man. By the end of the third fight, the young man begins to expect to win his fourth, and so his confidence continues to expand. This scenario continues to repeat itself. And as long as the man wins, his expectations of success, and his feelings of self-confidence will continue to expand.
If a person who has a long history of success and feelings of self-confidence does fail, they still tend to expect success the next time out. Conversely, when a person who is weak in the self-confidence department fails, they tend to lose confidence, and begin to expect failure, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Having self-confidence doesn't mean that individuals will be successful at everything. Usually people who have self-confidence have attainable expectations. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be positive and to accept themselves.
People, who are not self-confident, tend to rely disproportionately on the approval of others in order to feel self-esteem. They refrain from taking risks for fear of failure. They put themselves down and tend to discount or ignore compliments that they do receive.
Conversely, self-confident people are willing to risk the disapproval of others because they generally have faith in their own skill. They tend to accept. A lack of confidence is often the result of focusing totally on the unrealistic expectations of others, especially friends and parents. The domination of friends can be more powerful than those of parents in shaping the feelings about one's self.
Assumptions That Continue to Influence Self-Confidence
In response to external influences, people create beliefs; some of these are good, and some are bad. Several assumptions that can interfere with confidence and alternate ways of thinking are:
ASSUMPTION: It's important that I'm successful at everything that I do. This is a totally unrealistic assumption. In real life, each person has his strengths and his weaknesses. While it's important to do the best that you can, it's more important to learn to accept the self as being human, and fallible. Feel good about what you are good at, and accept the fact that no one knows everything nor are they an expert at everything.
ASSUMPTION: I must be perfect, and loved by everyone, and satisfy everyone. Again, this is a totally unrealistic assumption. All human beings are deficient. It's better to develop personal standards and values that are not completely dependent on the approval of others.
ASSUMPTION: Everything that happened to me in the past remains in control of my feelings and behaviors in the present.
ALTERNATIVE: While it is true that your confidence was especially subject to external influences when you were a very young child, as you grow to adulthood, you can gain insight and point of view on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You don't have to be helpless because of your past.
HERE ARE SOME STRATEGIES FOR DEVELOPING CONFIDENCE
Emphasize Your Strengths. Give yourself credit for everything you can do. And give yourself recognition for every new thing that you are willing to test.
Take risks. Adopt the attitude of: I never fail, because there are NO failures. However, sometimes I find out what doesn't work, and once I've learned what doesn't work in a given situation, I can attempt something else.
Use Self-Talk: Use an inner dialog with yourself and counter harmful assumptions. Then, tell yourself to stop. Substitute more reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself expecting yourself to be perfect, remind yourself that no one can do everything perfectly, and that it's only possible to do things to the best of your ability. This allows you to accept yourself as you are improving.
Make mental movies: Visualize yourself in the various scenarios that you currently lack confidence in. But see yourself behaving as like a person who has tremendous self-confidence would. There are many powerful NLP and Hypnosis methods that will build a tremendous amount of self-confidence from within your subconscious mind. There are even NLP techniques that will let you take confidence that you do have in areas of your life, and then transplant that confidence to areas of your life that are lacking confidence!
Self-Evaluate: Learn to appraise yourself independently. Avoid the constant sense of chaos that comes from relying on what other people think.
Alan B. Densky, CH is a certified hypnotist and NLP Practitioner. His website offers <a href="http://www.neuro-vision.us/Products/AudioConfidenceHypnosisTapes.htm">hypnosis CD's for self-confidence.</a> His <a href="http://www.neuro-vision.us/Products/Self-Confidence-Hypnosis-CDs.htm">Self Confidence CD's were reviewed</a> by Personal-Development info in England. Visit him for <a href="http://www.neuro-vision.us/">Free self hypnosis & NLP newsletters and articles</a>.
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