"The Hidden Meaning in Their Summer Vacation,"
by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach
Everyone's big on emotional intelligence now, because we've
learned the hard way that a person's people skills can make
or break them in the workplace. If the person is highly
exceptional in their field, it can be a close call, but all
things being equal, we prefer to work and socialize with
people who are pleasant and know how to get along.
The person with high EQ always tunes in to how the other
person thinks and feels, in order to smooth the road for
communication, instruction, sales, influence, leadership, or
just plain congenial interface in the workplace. However,
others tend to wear masks and not reveal too much, for
protection, because they're naturally reticent, because
they've been taken advantage of, because they think it's
professional, or because their culture dictates blending in.
Also from fear or ignorance.
So how can you find out more about someone in a non-invasive
manner? Ask them about their vacation. Most people will
let down their guard in this area. You might assume it's a
topic most people are excited about, but - and here begins
the EQ lesson - that isn't the case. We do everything like
we do everything else, so listen and learn. Here are some
things to listen for and process:
ATTITUDE
Not everyone's enthusiastic about their vacation. Some will
whine and complain because:
1. Once I take it, it's gone for the year
2. It isn't worth it. You have to do so much before you
leave.
3. Two weeks isn't nearly enough for what I have to go
through here
4. US workers are cheated. The French get 6 weeks' off.
5. The reservations always get screwed up, the hotel will be
lousy, it always happens to me
6. I know I'm going to hate Montreal. We always end up
going where she wants to go.
7. I can't stand my brother-in-law/mother/his kids
Optimists will be gung-ho about every aspect. You can
expect the person to approach work tasks or requests in the
same manner - optimistic, pessimistic, or as the victim.
CONFIDENCE
In telling their plans, the worriers will say:
1. I don't know if I've got the right clothes
2. It sounds like a good hotel, but I'm not sure it's the
best one
3. I hope my wife likes Cozumel
4. I hate to leave my car at the airport, but if you call a
cab there's no guarantee it will show up
5. I don't know how I'll get everything done - booking the
kennel for the dog, getting a house-sitter, stopping the
newspaper
6. What if there's one of those virus outbreaks on the
cruiseship?
If you have a worrier on your hands, they'll need much
reassurance before taking on an assignment, and hand-holding
in the process. It's their natural style to worry. On the
StrengthsFinder they would have "deliberativeness" for a
strength. You can discount by 50% their concerns about a
work project and use them to outline the worst-case scenario
and ferret out the loopholes for you.
INTROVERT/EXTRAVERT
In talking about their vacation, the introvert will say:
1. A 10-hour plane flight. Like I want to sit next to some
insurance salesman and listen to his life story for 10 hours
2. The cabins are isolated. We like it that way.
3. It sounded great until I found out my girl-friend had
invited her whole family
4. It's a River cruise. Few people, no bar or gambling.
You don't have to sit with other people for meals.
5. I plan to read a lot
6. We get a balcony suite and watch the sunset, just the two
of us
The extravert will say:
1. ClubMed! Think of all the other singles I'll meet!
2. On the strip where all the action is. We love to mix and
mingle.
3. It's gonna be great. His whole family's going to be
there.
4. We like cruises. There's always someone to talk to!
5. Sunset Celebration at Mallory Square! Total tourist
trap, street shows and vendors, cheap souvenirs, everyone's
drinking, dancing, noisy! I love it!
You can use this information in planning committees, office
space, work groups, and general interface with this person.
ACTIVITIES & INTERESTS
Here are some replies to "Are you ready for your vacation?"
1. Sure am. I've got my books chosen.
2. I still need some dresses. I'm sure there will be people
there in jeans, but I like to dress.
3. Yes. We were lucky enough to get orchestra seats for the
opera.
4. This time I've convinced him to just get a tent and camp
out.
5. Yes but I'm dreading it (hiking). My idea of a vacation
is room-service in a 5-star resort.
6. A bathing suit and some shorts. I love these barefoot
cruises. Very physical.
7. High and low. Gowns for the opera, and no bathing suits
required for the hot tub at the spa.
8. I'm finally going to see the Louvre!
9. I love cruises. No car to hassle. Room-service. Food
24/7.
Someone who chooses to go camping or hiking for their
vacation is likely more physical and casual than a person
who wants to wear a tux and attend the opera. You can check
out the assumption that the hikers and campers will prefer
to be treated more casually and are more group-oriented and
active than the culture and spa hounds, who may be more
reserved, and either sensual (always concerned about the
thermostat and the ergonomic chairs) or sedentary (ask
someone else to run the errands).
LIFESTYLE & VALUES
Sometimes just a sentence or two will reveal things about
their lifestyle and values you didn't know. For example:
1. We're just hanging out at home. I never get to see
enough of my family. Besides, money's tight right now.
2. Santa Fe. Love the art, the spas, the opera. Just
having trouble getting a room for less than $350 a night.
3. We've booked an affordable resort in Iowa. All the kids
and grandkids will be there.
4. It's our annual family holiday. Mary's rich brother has
a condo at the beach. We all bring food and take turns
cooking.
5. Going to see Anne's mother. She probably won't live
another 6 months.
6. He always takes me to Paris for my birthday. It costs a
fortune, but he can afford it.
7. Jim wanted to take that Mexican train trip. I always let
him choose.
8. Missionary trip to Belize. I've organized a group from
church.
9. Seattle. And man I hope we get along this time.
In inquiring about a vacation, you can find out who's a
leader and who's a follower, what the budget is, who the
person chooses to be with, who's an introvert and who's an
extravert, who might be having marital problems, what their
interests are - a whole range of information.
And remember, while you're observing, you're being observed.
I've sat with work groups where the top brass quizzed one
another about vacations, and acted as if the support staff
didn't have a life in this area. Remember that the person
who isn't nice to the waiter, isn't a nice person and
respeto means having respect for all people, regardless of
their fit in the workplace hierarchy. It's a team, isn't it?
Whether it's two weeks on their own yacht, day trips to the
lake and public parks, babysitting the grandchildren,
staying home and painting the house, or catching all the art
museums in NYC, the person with character, manners and high
EQ is inclusive, and listens and responds positively.
