We have all been in this situation before: you are talking to someone but you can tell he is not listening. Oh sure he’s looking at you and nodding his head at the appropriate time, but you know he is a million miles away mentally. More than just being rude it is frustrating. Whether you are discussing the weather or you have chosen him to pour your heart out to and impart intimate secrets doesn’t matter. Listening, actually listening is an art that few of us have mastered.
In our busy lives we have become proficient at multi tasking and we can do three different things at once. The jury is still out as to whether we can do them well or if all three suffer in the process, but the point is that we have so much on the go that it is almost impossible sometimes to focus on one single thing. We have to prioritize our actions and decide that it is perfectly acceptable to watch our favorite television program while we iron the laundry but when it comes to having a conversation with someone we need to give them our undivided attention. This simple act incidentally makes us a much more interesting person to them as well.
There are a few simple rules for becoming a good listener and with a little practise you can become very good at it. At the very start you must make a conscious decision to listen, plainly, simply listen. Remember when you were in school and the teacher said there would be a quiz at the end of that day’s lesson? If you were like me you sat up and paid attention because you knew the piper would have to be paid at the end of the class. Listening carefully is the same idea. You have to consciously decide to soak in every word to be able to paraphrase it later. Be aware of what is being said as well as what is being implied to get the full spectrum of what they are imparting to you even on a subconscious level.
When it is your turn to speak give them a signal that you are going to paraphrase with something like “If I am understanding you correctly, what you mean is…” Guarantee that if you are trying to understand them, they will give you the chance to. Be careful not to parrot back to them what they have said but rather what you have understood or taken from their part of the conversation. Once you have paraphrased it for them check to make sure you actually were listening and did in fact get it right by asking them if you are correct. If not go back to the beginning and start over again.
In doing this you may come to realize that you are in reality a poor listener as your paraphrasing is rarely correct, but in practicing you will learn a lot about yourself as well as those you are conversing with. If you get the paraphrasing right more often than not you will find that people in turn will find you more interesting because you are talking about their favorite subject; themselves!
Parroting is obsequious whereas paraphrasing is complimentary and that distinction must be made. You are not trying to manipulate the person across from you but you are instead paying them the ultimate complement by actually listening to what they have to say. There isn’t a person alive who wouldn’t appreciate your efforts to understand and engage them. You don’t have to leap tall buildings in a single bound to be a hero to someone, just take the time to really listen to what they have to say.
